a thought on my last flight

I want you to find me in every situation, 

in every chaos,

in every dream and reality,

whenever you’re drunk,

or when you’re sober and wide awake.

You once said, “don’t make it a fuss, it’s only a one-way plane”.

You seem to make everything so simple and it affects me in a way I’ve never imagine that leaving could be this easier.

The long good-bye hug that night,

Our last awkward handshake at the airport,

with both of our understanding look,

Knowing where to find each other in the future.

Here’s to our good memories and our bad,

To our inside jokes and the ones we never quite got,

And to all the what-ifs we had and all the plans we made.

As I looked down to the skies on my window plane,

wondering if you’re staring at the same sky.

I’m glad we’ve finally found the good in our goodbye.

3 days to prior leave.

It’s getting close to the day I’m leaving for good. It’s been a roller coaster. It felt good and peaceful to know that I will leave all the chaos behind but I never thought that the thought of leaving this all behind means that I’ll leave the goodness in it, too.

I’ve been loving you this past year, tho I never said it louder enough. I love you for the hardness you’ve brought. I love you in every problems you’ve had. I love you still even when the meteors rained on us. I love you, slowly, all at once, without a caution and suddenly I’m down on a rabbit hole. And then I love you, even when we said our goodbyes many times before.

Letting you go was the hardest only-choice. Letting you go has taught me patience, acceptance. That letting you go, doesn’t mean I have to lose all my feelings for you in that second. That letting you go means I have to walk away with all my feelings for you inside and carry on until I don’t know when and put it on the rest.

I still looking at your eyes and see the reflection of my passion I’ve buried for you. I’m looking at your eyes and I see both my friend and lover on the same pair of eyes I’ve fallen for on July 2018 ago.

I’m too tired to think why it has to be this complicated, why it’s never been easy with you from the start. It’s getting close to the day I’m leaving, and I’ll leave both of my broken pieces and the amends. And the thought of finally leaving you for good, physically and emotionally is like riding a Hysteria on Dufan. Thrilling, exciting when you’re on your way up and drop dead when it brings you down. And when the ride is ended, I know that I have to leave eventually.

Leaving on a plane on a different directions, hundred miles on the same skies, the thought of never seeing you and never be with you physically haunts me even until I step on the ground of my home. Wondering and questioning, what if it never go away?

22.08.19

Sayang, eventho I know you were never mine, I will always care for you. I will always missing you. I will always pray and hope for the best only for you.
You were the best of both worlds, despite all of the dramas we’ve been through. You are a good friend to me, and I know that you’re capable of being a good lover too.

I’m so glad that I’ve met you, even in a situation that I wish wasn’t like this. For the past year I’ve known you, you taught me lots of things, you gave me experiences I’ve never had before.

Truth to be told, deep in my heart, I wish we could be more than this. Which we both knew, we couldn’t. I wish I’ve met you sooner, I wish we have more time, I wish we’re not in a situation like this. There are so many things I wish for, but what’s the point of hoping if it only gives you disappointment?

I will always have things on my head to say to you, a lot actually. I wish I could figure out what’s in your heart and mind. I wish I could be more upfront to you.

I wouldn’t look at us as some sad story. I will look at us as a lesson. For the better days that awaits us ahead. Who knows? Maybe we’ll get lucky in love, next time.
There’s always a corner in my heart for you.
I’m sorry if I ever put you in a complicated position.
I loved loving you...